This week has been difficult-not by circumstances, but because of my own attitude, I guess. I really don't know what to call it.
Monday & Tuesday were both terrible, horrible no good days. I felt discouraged by the constant dirty dishes, the never-finished laundry, the dog hair from 3 dogs I can't seem to keep swept up (even with sweeping twice a day), school not going smoothly, the busyness of my 8 yr old son that really grated on my nerves and also because it's getting dark before 5:00.
Anyway, I wasn't very pleasant. I felt sorry for myself and have been (for the last week and a half or so) introverted and not talking to others much-also not praying and not reading my Bible.
I actually was looking ahead to days when the house will stay clean, when flashlights stay in the place they are put to be found when they are needed with batteries that aren't dead, when yogurt isn't dripping down the shelves in the fridge-a day when the kids are grown and gone and we'll have 1 dog maybe-maybe I'll shave it. I almost never look forward to the kids being gone-Usually I fret & worry about it and it won't happen for a long time.
Wednesday, I was a little better, but still dragging. Pat came home from work and mentioned that he was surprised to see my clothes on the bathroom floor. I said, "well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
I really meant that to be funny, but it wasn't really. Pat said, "I hate to see what this house would look like if you give up."
We talked a lot on and off that afternoon & evening. He had a long talk with Jonah. He took Susanna & Jonah outside while he did firewood. After dinner he read the Bible out loud and I just sat there at the table with tears rolling down my cheeks. It was convicting and comforting at the same time.
So, I prayed on and off while picking up the kitchen(with Hannah) for fortitude, patience and for God to help me stop being angry. I've been very angry with Jonah especially.
Yesterday was much better. I got up early, did a mile on the treadmill, read the chapter on "Mother Culture" out of my Charlotte Mason Companion by Karen Andreola and prayed. I went outside and fed the chickens with Susanna because Pat thinks I need to get outside more often. The trouble is I can't seem to give myself permission to go outside if the house isn't together-but it never is. And my kids do help a lot-Hannah especially is my right arm. But, some things I don't want them to do because they just make it worse and then I have to re-do it.
For example-Pat had Jonah fill the dishwasher and I found water bottles with caps on them laying on their side on the top shelf on top of cups that were facing up.
Anyway, it was a much better day and only once did I forget to pray and breathe slowly as I felt myself getting angry.
I don't understand why I've been feeling angry and I'm not often this way-just sometimes. I feel so guilty when I'm like this and don't want to be.
I'm usually pretty upbeat. Yesterday the kids had gym class and one of the moms asked me how I was. Instead of saying the usual "oh, I'm good, how about you?" I was honest and said I'm having a down week. She changed the subject and I felt surprised and guilty. And then I made sure I said only positive things after that-but felt awkward.
Anyway, I want to be honest as I use this blog as a journal. I'm sorry it's been such a downer. But, I AM feeling better!
Today the kids have their Christmas Craft Day with other HS kids-we are really looking forward to that.
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